Another week gone by...

And I wonder how much I have to show for it. This summer feels like it's going by so quickly, and I keep trying futilely to hold onto time. It really does just slip by. And it's not like I'll hit September and suddenly things will be changed again - rather, work will continue on the same as always and as hard as I try to hold onto being 24, that too will pass soon.

I think part of what I'm experiencing is not being in love. I have been, before - when one is in love, even just sitting around at home can be quality time, and one looks forward to every evening walk or trip to the store. Rain cannot dampen one's spirits. I'd like to be in love, again, and it's kind of sad to think that I don't have those years to live over again, and that perhaps I never will be in love again.

On the other hand, I'm really not in such a bad state as the preceding paragraph might sound. I'm not depressed; nor am I desperate (though, I have this thing where I like people, and like being around people, and yet I'm an introvert and have no social skills - so I probably come off pretty needy. Whatever. I got over getting weird looks a long time ago.) Anyhow, as I was saying, I've been thinking lately and thanking God for a lot of things. It's been good to just be childlike with him. It's been freeing to know that even if I am circumstantially stuck for the rest of my life, however long that is, that I would not be ineligible to hear "well done, good and faithful servant." I do pray he'd give me more direction and closer community to pursue him in, but I get the feeling that that may just be me being selfish. Either way, it's up to God.

Which highlights another difference between me and past-me: that I've learned some lessons along the way. It may sound funny for me to say, "oh, I'm so wise" because really, I have a long way to go before I really internalize even half of what I "know" about God. But it's been good to rest on what I do know. For instance, I don't have to "find somebody" - that's God's job, if he wants me with somebody. That takes some pressure off. And another example might be knowing to just tell things to God. You out there in internet-land may think you're getting the scoop on my life, but really God has heard all this clunking around in my brain for a long time now. So anyhow, I have a lot of hope, because I have a better sense of who God is.

Also, Greggy once told me of a guy whose theory was that the longer a guy stays single, the weirder he gets. I have found this to be true. :-) And I don't mind. I'm more me than I was.

And through it all, I have held onto God, and that's one thing I definitely don't regret. I can look back and say I have a better idea now of who I am and who God is.

May I keep finding ways to live it out well.

"Not long after my rescue,
I let my failures get me down.
My sin had robbed me of the joy I had in you -
Then you saved me from that too.

Now all I wanna do is talk about Your grace
I don't wanna go unless I go Your way
Get a little closer to You every day
I'm gonna turn around and go Your way."


"I'm learning that nothing worth anything is cheap.
I'm learning the path is thin and the grade is steep,
and that the altars where we lay ourselves will crack when tested
and that there's only one that turns our hearts to gold.

Hold on to Jesus
tell Him about everything -
your dreams and your troubles;
pure hearts desire one thing
and mine is to know You,
mine is to break down
and shatter to pieces
and lose everything I've found."

(guess who)