I feel like I shoot myself in the foot. I am a very open guy... which is a good thing. But who wants to be with a guy who doesn't have some air of mystery? One can't idealize somebody you know already.
Similarly, I'm stable. I have a job, car, and place to live... none of which I'm excited about. How should I expect somebody else to be excited about sharing this life with me? I want to have adventures that don't consist just of my car breaking down. I want something both exciting and good, but that may be too much to ask. In talking to my sister, I realized that I have another 5 or 10 years to wait before just "being stable" becomes attractive to anybody. And yeah, I'm not even sure I want it for myself.
Which brings me to: lastly, I'm not too fond of myself. I don't exercise much, but I haven't found anything that would motivate me to do so except just for the sake of maybe being more(?) attractive. I'd like romance in my life, but I can't dance, I always say the exact wrong thing, and work keeps me pretty darn busy and tired. I have a lot of bad habits... how should I expect anybody to want to want to deal with me and all my baggage? I don't even know where I'm going in life or what God has been up to over the last few years (though it's not for lack of asking). On the plus side, I always count it as a great blessing whenever people can be patient with me and can look past all this junk (which, ironically, includes my semi-depressed ramblings like this one).
At least I know Jesus loves me. I may have no plans, no ambition, and no special skills, talents, or attractiveness... but at least I have some hope of life and love with God. That's already way more than I deserve. So life is livable, at least, even if it's just me being spent for the sake of others and for the sake of somehow God being glorified in my weakness and failures. It may be broken and crappy, but at least He says it will not be futile or unbearable.
2 comments:
How about stop being so boring and doing extracurriculars to meet interesting people? You can write some good poetry. You can read what you write at a coffee shop, and then some artsy chick will fall in love with you!
haha, that's funny.
This artsy chick would probably never let me know she liked me, and I'd never get any courage up to ask her out, so she'd get over me quickly, hopefully. Or else we'd go out for a bit and then she'd get fed up and leave. Or else one of us would move hundreds of miles away and that'd be that.
Most likely, I'll just never read any of my poetry. Problem(s) solved.
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