on games

It may be said that I like games.  It's no secret, really.  I have since I was little - I would go with my parents to the local thrift store and immediately head over to the board game section.  I found quite a few that way.  At one point I had over a hundred games.

C-. has a theory that learning new games is key to keeping one's mind sharp as you get older.  Not just playing the same game many times, such as chess or sudoku, but learning a new set of rules, a new set of tactics, starting again as a beginner.  I tend to agree.  Admittedly, maybe it's a little bit of attention deficit, but on the other hand the hardcore crossword/chess/Go players can get a little obsessive-compulsive.

For my part, I had plenty of different games to try, and I liked almost all of them (which is good since the main "goal" of games is to have fun).  And I'd say that games have gotten better over time - and not in a nostalgic way, but that modern games seem to have learned from the less-fun parts of the games I grew up with.  Growing up, I played Trouble, Parchisi, Aggravation, and other highly-random race style games (Backgammon, Sorry!, Life, also).  I also had a few different kinds of Monopoly, of course.  There were word-games: Scrabble, Password, Probe; strategy games like Risk, Stratego; and hexagon-board games like Gettysburg and Flat Top.

Some of these were standout games, don't get me wrong.  I have huge appreciation for the Milton Bradley historical set (Dogfight, Broadside), 3M's bookcase-game series (Breakthru, Bazaar, Acquire, even Twixt), and the early Avalon Hill sim games like Gettysburg and Richthofen's War.  These guys were pioneers.

But modern games have really just made huge leaps as well, from standing on these shoulders.  Compare Risk to Cosmic Encounter, Axis & Allies, or Pandemic.  Contrast Monopoly, versus Settlers of Catan, Stone Age, or Power Grid.  And the reliance on dice in Parchisi-like games is downright crude next to Formula D, for instance.

Innovations abound: there are whole new grid-free movement styles as found in Wings of War, X-Wing, and many other miniature-based games (which have themselves come a pretty long way from H.G. Wells' Little Wars, though his tag-line of "Little Wars: a game for boys from twelve years of age to one hundred and fifty and for that more intelligent sort of girl who likes boys' games and books" could probably still be used by Games Workshop, sigh.  Card-based games have evolved, too, deck-building ones like Dominion on through "Living" card games for various franchises that require a bit more collecting.  Plus there are lots of little abstract and almost unclassifiable games like Dixit, Hive, or Tsuro.

So it's neat that as I've grown up, so have board games - it's not that there weren't complicated games in the past (see Flat Top again) but rather that there were fewer intermediates between Chess and Trouble, Flat Top and Checkers.  In an area where being both relaxing and engaging is key, games have raised the bar on both fronts together and there is now quite a selection of games that are easy to learn, tactically interesting, and fun to play.  Everybody wins.

on money

So recently there's been a bit of a Bitcoin renaissance, bubble, or what-have-you.  I mined a little, myself, a year or two ago, and then kinda lost interest.  It was novel, I suppose.  But of course the news that they had gone from $30 to $200 each, in a about a week, got me thinking about the whole thing again.

It's an interesting concept, one big experiment in money from nothing and arbitrary value, which, as anybody can tell you, is pretty much how online economies work, whether it's official as in Second Life or unofficial as in World of Warcraft.  With Bitcoin it is more hidden even than in gaming - at least with WoW you know your illicit gold was some Chinese person or bot farming high-end monsters for hours on end, that sort of thing.  In mining Bitcoin you could be donating your processor time to hacking PGP hashes or brute-forcing somebody's Facebook password for all you know.  But the reality is much less glamorous - your computer is just guessing random numbers.

So it's doubly curious to me the sort of people who seem to be driving the recent demand.  Much like the way peoples' fear drives "investment" in gold, Bitcoin seems to offer Libertarian-types security, anonymity, and freedom from intervention by the government / the Fed / banking cabals. The process of "mining" guarantees scarcity and finite supply (the world has mined ~75% of the geometrically-approached limit of 21 million Bitcoins total, last I heard).  They're very open about the whole thing - the mining algorithm is intentionally similar to the decreasing returns of mining actual gold - so it's not a conspiracy or anything like that (as far as I know).  It's just so blatantly abstracted and artificial that you'd think even the folks taken in by diamonds or gold wouldn't trust it so easily.

I suppose currency is just a difficult concept for people, though it should be simple: money is only ever worth what other people are willing to give for it.  This is true whether it's chickens, seashells, dollars, Bitcoins, gold, gold-pressed latinum... whatever.  So Bitcoin (again like gold) is not a haven at all.  They're vulnerable to hacking and theft, traceable in a variety of ways, and (surprise surprise) still very much able to be affected by global banking trends (and Fed policy, and taxes, like any other currency-exchange capital gain over $200, I'm sure).  But the larger issue is that they're connected to reality and perception just like any money anywhere - if there is one thing we've seen in the last few years it's that, for better or worse, we have a global economy.  If Europe has troubles, we have troubles.  A slowdown in the US causes slowdowns in Asia.  Currency may seem to the uninitiated like a zero-sum game: if the dollar weakens, it means some other currency went up in value, right? But economies are, at their root, still based on reality in some regard.  If new businesses are started, or towns grow, or people spend their time on WoW, value has been added, and the associated things will be worth something to someone, whatever the currency used to purchase said product / house / purple sword.  Ultimately, I think the only "real" currency is well-spent time, though obviously even that is subject to differences in perceptions, but you know that when time is spent there's no way to get it back.

So go, invest in Bitcoin - it may yet be very valuable indeed.  But it's no magic shield against being interconnected with the fates of others.  It turns out that when it comes to that weird, perception-driven, necessary evil of money, nothing is.  Whether it's gas for your post-apocalyptic car with guns, or the latest iPad, most likely you won't have quite enough money, whatever the currency.  It's just the way it goes.

on marriage

One sentiment from a gay acquaintance was along the lines of, "Forget marriage. Being gay is about the bars, the 'screw you' to our traditional families, getting kicked out onto the street but finding our voice anyhow."  I think he was conflating "gay" with "punk" a little.

Another friend made the case for marriage as a civil institution which the Church would bless as in the early days of Christianity - making the secular arrangement a Sacrament and showing how it reflected Christ.  I'm not sure if he was aware that he'd just made a great argument for the Church also finding a way to bless and sanctify the same-sex sort, if it becomes part of the civil institution.

As for me, speaking only as a guy in a hetero marriage, I can attest that marriage is worthwhile.  And so I'm glad that same-sex couples want in, actually - I don't think it harms "the institution" at all, if anything strengthening it by expanding the borders a bit.  The punk-rock sort of gays (and straights) will always be with us, too, I'm sure - those who see the marriage folks as fuddy-duddies, squares, sell-outs.  And that's fine with me.  

Part of youth is rebellion; part of settling down is finding the person you're meant to be with.  What I want to get rid of is the prejudice, the injustice, the failure of government to treat its citizens equally or compassionately.  

For me, if there's already cyberpunk and steampunk, I'd go ahead and call myself married-punk: hack the system to spread around the love and commitment.  Like what you like, dress how you dress, don't just live up to other peoples' expectations. Revel in the weird looks you get from posers who don't get that tattoos and wedding rings don't clash, and that sometimes "I do what I want" means spending your life with your love.  And your cat, in your little suburban house.

on music

     It has the power to manipulate our emotions so easily, and so profoundly.  Anybody who's ever watched clips from movies overdubbed with a different soundtrack can attest to that - suddenly Back to the Future is a gay romance, The Sound of Music is creepy horror, or Wizard of Oz is a drug trip.  Okay, maybe that last one isn't so far-fetched, but I'm sure you get the point.

Now, churches have had hymns to point people to God pretty much forever, but I want to discuss for a bit how songs can affect people spiritually.  Combining a little of the previous two posts, on innocence and orthodoxy, I think one can see that "Christian" music (especially CCM) is an area that shows the worst bits of both.  What has come to be thought of as acceptable music, good and truly "Christian" music, "uplifting" music... it's safe, boring, steeped in religious language, and bad.  Mostly bad.  Thus it is with a little irony that most people who listen to it do so because they think it keeps their kids innocent and on the right path.  And if any musician should happen to break the rules of the listeners' orthodoxy, they are cast out forever, and their music is no longer "Christian."

But that's backwards.  A Christian who makes music is a Christian musician, whether or not their song is on K-Love.  And while I grew up with and have a soft spot for some CCM personally, calling bad music good (and good music bad) does a disservice to all involved: kids, musicians, even your own sense of taste might be called into question.

     I've discovered that the songs that have most affected my spiritual growth were ones that recognized hardship and the ways the world is broken.  These can be written by Christians or not, of course, and the effect can be via the music or lyrics or both - I have a friend, for instance, whose theory is that good songs will have vocalizations that aren't words.  It is that sort of resonance with the spirit that can really cause a song to stand out.  Lyrics are the easiest to cite on this blog, though I may post videos later:

"You got a minute for your son, father?  We need to talk.  I'm so tired of trying to run, father - let's take a walk." - not CCM

or

"One man come, he to justify, one man to overthrow... in the name of love." - not CCM

or even 

"Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.
Oh..!!" - also not CCM

     What it comes down to is an expression of the human condition, and our deepest, often unspoken, fears and desires.  Getting these out there, whether it is the Holy Spirit understanding our wordless groans, or singing along in the car, is healthy and leads us to a deeper life.  Having some musician put into words what you were really trying to say, and emotionally what you were really feeling about it... it can bring healing to a dark place, and insight to a stuck situation.  Plus, it just feels great, tearing up at Les Mis, or talking back to 2pac ("We DO have a black president!  Wish you could be here to see it").  Listening to music that explicitly reminds us that God is great has value, of course, but music that has been down to the depths with us and seen us back out again... I think that's really what it's for.

*Bonus points if you already recognized the lyrics above, but just in case:  DMX, U2, Weezer.

on innocence, and its loss

     Reaching back into the nostalgia files - I was reminded recently that D.A.R.E. is still around.  I never had much personal experience with the program, but I grew up in the '80s and had friends who did it, got the T-shirts, and all that.  The program operates in a bit of a void in public opinion, which is what I want to explore today.  It has little to do with D.A.R.E. in particular and more to do with why little-kid me didn't participate.

     The aforementioned sparsely-occupied sliver of the opinion spectrum that D.A.R.E. targets lies between the more permissive folks for whom drug use prevention is not a priority, and the more conservative folks for whom drugs are a taboo subject.  There was/is a concern among the latter that talking to kids about drugs would only serve to whet their appetite and might actually increase the chance of later experimentation.  This, from what I've gathered, was part of my parents' rationale behind not having me go.  Besides, I was already well on my way to becoming my dweeby straight-edge self, so I was hardly "at-risk."

     But there's a troubling assumption there, and I think it's especially prevalent in people who've grown up with the story of Adam and Eve and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Is it the "knowledge" part of the tree which ruined humanity's one-time innocence?

     When it comes to drugs or sex, many seem to think so, and I'm sure you the reader can think of plenty of current examples of contentiousness over whether or not to teach or study something.  Usually the argument is phrased with the motive of not brainwashing or indoctrinating the kids.  But, if I may be so bold, often the opposite is true: it is the protective parents who wish to shelter their kids and make sure they grow up in the right sort of doctrine.

     From both a policy and a moral standpoint, though, informed decisions are key.  One cannot be moral out of ignorance, and the chance of hitting upon a just law in the dark is basically zero.  Even freedom requires an awareness of such.  Of course I recognize that parents should be able to determine when and how their children learn about tricky topics such as drugs and sex - but it's naive of them to think they can, especially since avoiding mis-information is even harder than holding back the truth.

     So whether you want to call it "purity culture" or "innocence culture," I think it's a poor approach to morality, and life.  I believe humans, and Christians in particular, are meant to be in the thick of things: as wise as serpents, gentle as doves; in the world and not of the world; and how much better to get wisdom than gold?

          I know it's debatable - the message of the Adam and Eve story may indeed be just a warning against the hubris of pursuing knowledge.  But Adam and Eve already had nothing hidden from them, being familiar with all the plants and animals, and seeing God's own face daily.  Consider also Pandora's Box (another slightly-misogynist origin tale).  In both stories, I believe the point is not to try to return to the earlier innocence - you can't put everything back into the box, and Adam and Eve can't go back to the garden.  But there are things which should not have been forgotten... the search for knowledge is now a process of getting re-acquainted with Creation, and what we find out often becomes our useful ally in combating the perils the forerunners unleashed, among them disease, violence, and suffering.

     For we who must deal with the world they left us, the dilemma is no longer between life and knowledge, or even innocence and sin.  Everything is now imperfect, and the choice is now good versus evil, love versus hate, hope versus despair.

on orthodoxy

     I have several friends who are Orthodox Christian, by birth or by conversion, and this post... is not about them.  I want to discuss for a bit the idea of lowercase "orthodoxy" itself, not the particular Church but as an approach to philosophy.  You can be "orthodox" anything.

All "orthodoxy" means, from an etymological perspective, is "right (or true) opinion (or praise, worship)."  Sounds pretty good - I mean, everyone wants to be correct in their thinking and be doing things in the right way, especially when it comes to the metaphysical.  Even most atheists will tell you that theirs is an accurate approach and attitude towards the spiritual, and I'm guessing even satanists would be happy they're not deceived sheep.  And of course it can apply to the political just as much as the religious.

Anyhow, the tricky part is in how orthodoxy is defined and redefined as time goes on and cultures change.  And further, what that process means for how the organization handles various levels of dissent from within and without.

     The usual four guidelines for determining a "Christian" opinion are tradition, scripture, community, and conscience.  (And again, most organized groups have relevant versions of these.)  Tradition is just the way things have always been done, or as established by authority.  Scripture is the holy text, though it should go without saying that quoting can often vary in degree of applicability.  Community is how the people around you do things, and the societal norms; always good to factor in, whether as a good or bad thing.  Conscience is one's own moral sense, and the main thing I want to talk about in relation to orthodoxy.

Because I feel like they're at odds a lot.  The concept of orthodoxy often involves surrender of the individual will, bringing it in line with those other factors.  It doesn't leave room for interpretation - by definition, if you find yourself in disagreement with the orthodox position, you are not thinking rightly.  And remember, this is philosophy and theology, not science.  There, facts can be proved and verified by independent experiment, and a wrong hypothesis can be tossed out fairly easily (though bellyaching is often unavoidable).  In philosophy it is much harder to find grounds for objection other than conscience and what rationales make sense to an individual, assuming no apparent logical fallacies.

Anyhow, all that to say, it's great when orthodoxy and individual conscience are in sync... but when they're not, well, you're gonna have a bad time.

     We as a species have a poor track record when it comes to dealing with dissent peaceably.  Variations include stoning, burning at stakes, excommunication, shunning, hanging for treason - you gotta toe that party line, lemme tell ya.  I paint a bleak picture, I suppose, but the general process has been the same over much of history: 

organization is going along fine;

some new situation or idea comes along;

people holding an opposing belief claim the support of tradition, scripture, community;

new belief folks either challenge and win the mantle (see slavery, women's suffrage), or lose and are tossed out into the darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth;

in either case, from then on there are usually two camps - the orthodox, and the heretics.

Often, what happens is the formation of a new church, etc., when the belief systems still have much in common otherwise (see Anglicans, for instance).  Sometimes they still work together; sometimes they become mortal enemies.  But the point is that the identity is now different.  What counts as a "Real, True X" has changed, whether by adapting to the new idea, or by merely adding to the definition a part about opposing the new idea (see the marriage kerfuffle).  It is exceedingly rare and amazing when an organization adopts the position of "either way is OK, you can still belong here."

     Now, you may be asking yourself, so?  What is he getting at with this ridiculously long post?  And I will tell  you: learning discernment is key.  If you are going to be "orthodox" in your beliefs, that is fine, but organizations should be careful about picking their battles, and wary of over-clarifying things to their own detriment.  I understand that you might want to make sure your fellow believers aren't falling into error.  But "circling the wagons" may be unnecessary if the issue is minor (say, previously not mentioned in official creeds or other documents).  

So be careful with your orthodoxy.  There are some cases in which good fences make good neighbors; sometimes, though, tossing up fences makes people dissociate, and possibly even hate and kill those neighbors.

On Heaven

Philosophies of heaven are interesting - it says a lot about somebody, what they think will happen to them when they die (and of course what they think will happen to other people, but we'll get to that later).  Obviously, if you don't believe in an afterlife, it's a bit moot, so you could just think about your ideal society instead.  But there are some key things about Heaven that make it particularly intriguing to try to describe:

a) Everybody's dead, and getting a fresh start of sorts.
b) It's FOR-EV-ER.
c) You're face-to-face with your deity.

     Even setting aside Purgatory and reincarnation-until-nirvana for the moment, there are obviously a lot of ways for heaven to look, but I've found the following ideas (pulled from various sources) to be worth dwelling on, both for what they say about my hopes for the afterlife and for their implications in the here-and-now.


To be fully known.

     It is no secret that everybody has secrets - shame, and feeling unloved are common.  So in thinking about heaven, one appealing bit is the idea that your whole life might be known and understood... and that you might be loved regardless.  Most people know the feeling already of having loved someone else enough to overlook whatever they might do badly, or to want to be with them even in the midst of hard circumstances, but it's difficult to see oneself in that same light.  So to have that affirmation on a big scale, start-to-finish of how you lived your life, would be pretty amazing.  And not just from another person, of course, but from everyone, and above all your deity.
     Some would have it go so far as to actually merge consciousnesses - to be so connected to others as to start being pretty indistinguishable.  Me, I'd be OK retaining some autonomy, which brings us to the next bit:


To be fully yourself.

     This is a hard one to put into words, but I'll give it a shot - the concept of heaven being a place where not only are you free from negatives like shame, above, but also now have the freedom and power to act on all your best desires with nothing holding you back.  Personally, I imagine it like being able to actually follow up on all those silly hypothetical "get-to-know-each-other" questions from summer camps - "Assuming you could talk to anybody from history, who would it be?"  "Assuming you could go anywhere instantly, where would you visit?"  "Would you want to have wings or a tail if you could, and if so what kind?"  That sort of freedom would be great just in itself - and so to add on a level in which you could also BE, and not just superficially, always true to yourself, would be a big component of paradise, I think.


To have time.

     "Always true to yourself" also highlights the central concept of heaven as eternal.  For some, this means everything would kind of blend together, making it effectively a static, timeless, place.  Others would want to basically become little gods, themselves - ruling over a planet in sort of a "Civ. V"-style playground.  Regardless, this new immortality lets you end up spending time the way you've always wanted, without that meddlesome death business.  In my own thinking, I'd veer a little more towards Heaven as process rather than Heaven as static, though I'm humble enough not to think anybody would ever let me rule a planet.  But I like the idea that in heaven, if you want to paint a painting, you might be able to just snap your fingers and have it appear... but you might also just be able to learn to paint.  Same goes for studying - you could presumably make the trip out to NGC 6302 when not bound by this current earthly body, rather than just looking at the Hubble picture - but the joy of discovering that sort of thing is something I think heaven will include, and not spoil by having everybody just learn all about it instantaneously Matrix-style.  And moreso with discovering cool people.  OK, last attribute for now, since our own time is still limited:


To see God.

     This is kind of a tricky one, since not everybody even believes in God, much less the same one.  So YMMV with this point.  But I think that, one way or another, we'll all want to settle the question definitively in the afterlife, of what was going on down here on Earth, and the why (if there is one).  The search for meaning is huge with humans, and so in heaven, it'll be good to finally get some answers.  To provide the requisite pop-culture references for this section: it's always intriguing to me when shows like The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones have the characters deal with the "Problem of Evil."  It's very understandable for them to question the amount of meaning or goodness in their world, since their deities are the likes of Grr Martin.  The real world can also be pretty evil and question-provoking, which is why we relate to such shows so readily, but the bottom line is that the high expectations we had for a meaningful ending for, say, Lost, are nothing compared with what most people expect God to be able to write for our current existence.


     Anyhow, all this to say, these aspects of heaven highlight hopes for the future, but also hopes for the present.  I think pretty much everybody wants to be loved for who they are, be a more consistently awesome person, have time to explore and do the things they've always wanted, and of course to see good come from our struggles and meaning from our suffering.  I can hope the afterlife does these things, but I also hope it'd just be a continuation of the trends established down here.

*****

This post is dedicated to my friend Lizet, who, as of today, is finding all this out first-hand.  Peace, sister.

Example 1: Fate vs. Free Will

Last week, I posted on the phenomena of artificially binary debates, "false dichotomies," if you will.  Which brings us to today's post: an example of a common one.

Fate:
The world is deterministic.  Your path was chosen before you were born; you were predestined by a higher power; chemicals in your brain and genes make all your choices for you.  It's a common belief, more so than one might think - you and your S.O. were meant to be together; all things work together for good for those who love God and have been called according to His purposes.

Free will:
The world is what we make of it.  Each of us chooses our destiny, and can change the world.  As the great philosopher Sarah Connor put it, "the unknown future rolls towards us."  Skynet is not a sure thing.


So that's a long-running schism-starter in a nutshell.  Now, if one can think of a case in which it could be "both" or "neither" of the above, rather than either/or, then we will be starting to think perpendicularly.  Philosophies such as the Blind Watchmaker tend to avoid the dilemma by taking elements of both, for instance - in the moment, we have free will, but back in the day there was a Creator who started everything running.  Similarly, many Christians (and Hindus, etc.) would put this in the aforementioned category of "mystery" - deities know what will happen, but we don't, and thus we have free will and responsibility for our actions, and yet can also rely on not being able to really catch the higher powers unawares.  (Of course, I must acknowledge that this conflict wouldn't be such a big deal if not for the plenty of other Christians (and Muslims, etc.) over the years who have taken a more hard-line Fate approach, coming down on the side of Predestination emphatically.)

The above syncretic systems are a good start.  Even more purely perpendicular is the common "who cares?" approach of agnostics - if we don't have free will, it sure still feels like we do, and we should just act with what we know even if everything winds up having been fated.  Another perpendicular one is the hypothesis of multiple universes: everything can happen and is happening somewhere, so the illusion of choice (whether by fate or by you) is only an artifact of us having ended up in this particular universe.

Quantum mechanics indicates that the future arrives as probabilities resolve, as we observe it - so personally, I'm agnostic about the existence of other universes, but what's interesting about that is that our universe is not really knowable.  When observed, it is deterministic... until then, it behaves as though both options were equivalent.  Now, I know many have used the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle as pop psychology, as if to say that all knowledge is thus impossible, when that's really way beyond the scope of a little equation talking about position and momentum.  But when we are talking about determinism in particular, it's relevant, I'd say.  And sure, maybe all that is too small a scale - God or Fate may operate at a more macro level of physics, right?

Anyhow, all this rambling is just to explore a popular conflict, and try to make a case for nuance.  Many folks I've met will pick sides quite readily on this point, but worse, will assume anyone not in full agreement is secretly working for the other camp.  This may be the real danger of false dichotomies.

Perpendicular Thoughts

Debates tend to be viewed subconsciously as a line or continuum - there's the left-wing, the right-wing, and a string of points between.  There are those who "Strongly Disagree," "Disagree," are "Neutral," "Agree," or "Strongly Agree" with any statement, right?

But just as any survey can skew its results by the manner it asks a question, it seems that a lot of issues in politics and theology can wind up getting logjammed into eternal non-productiveness merely by virtue of how the questions have been framed.  People fall on either side of an issue in a roughly 50/50 split for many reasons, but often it is because the question is too abstract or too vague, or too binary (a false dichotomy).  And this includes many debates that have gone on for centuries or even millennia: fundamental divisions in society.

So how does one break out?  If this is the line along which people place themselves (left, right, or middle):

_________________

Then we need to make sure we aren't missing something out here:

             X

_________________

Thus, we need to make sure we're thinking in a perpendicular fashion to the original framing of the debate, and not just back-and-forth along the line.  Remember Star Trek II?  Khan forgets that space has up-and-down as well as left-and-right, and it's his undoing.

As a  real-life example, here is an interesting set of survey results:

It's very encouraging to me that 43% of Americans already kinda get the idea I'm talking about.  If someone asks, "Are you Pro-Choice or Pro-Life?" the expectation is that you'll pick a side in this epic conflict.  Given the option, though, 43% will answer, "Both," to some degree.  (If you're wondering, the extra 7% not shown on the graph answered, "Don't know" or didn't answer at all, which I'd also consider perpendicular thinking of sorts.)

And that's the point of this post.  I want to make sure that I'm not needlessly propping up divisions between people and taking sides using prefab labels, because 

a) Jesus said not to do that, 

b) my job is to describe reality better, and let data speak for itself,

c) I have an iconoclastic streak a mile wide, and 

d) I believe it lets real truth shine through into a debate.

This last point is worth dwelling on.  In church-talk it's often referred to as "mystery," meaning a paradox that is true despite the seeming contradiction.  For example, Jesus is both God and human; people are simultaneously saints and yet still sinners.  The mystery helps people understand that the reality is often more complex than our words are good at describing, or our brains are good at comprehending.

And to the degree that that keeps us humble, it puts us on the path to wisdom.

Checking in...

seeing if anybody is still subscribed and/or randomly clicking through to here...  I've been wanting a space to jot down some thoughts and decided I might brush the dust off this ol' blog.

So I've moved! Sorry for the long absence. But I seriously have been submerged in things to do. It's been crazy. Running here and there...

Check out http://thefourhumours.wordpress.com/ - a co-blog of me and my 3 new housemates. :-) There will still be more personal stuff here, I'm sure, though. And pictures, soon!!!


+jordan

so... tired...

We have the new house! Keys and everything. It's been keeping me incredibly busy, this whole moving-thing. It'll be Bart, Buck, Ryan, and myself, in a cozy little house. I am pretty excited about it.

God has a plan. And a good one, at that.

And I am thankful for friends that help me remember that that's the case. Good friends are hard to come by, but they're worth their weight in gold.

home for the 4th!

On Tuesday night I flew home to Norcal for a little vacation. And it has been great!

In the last 36 or so hours, my sister has gotten engaged, I've had home-made ice cream and listened to good old-timey music, I've had great talks with my parents on everything from relationships to Oswald Chambers (which are not really that separate?), I've had fun with my two remaining dogs, I got a nice sunburn, I caught up with an old friend or two, I've doubled my knowledge of WWI naval history, I listened to country music, finished reading one of Colleen's novels, started reading Howl's Moving Castle (which is really well-written, by the way), picked up a copy of Erasmus/Luther: Discourse on Free Will, and borrowed The Battle of Britain, What About Bob?, JC Superstar, The Knight's Tale, and Harold Lloyd's Safety Last, for projectorness.

I am very glad for my family. I love them so much! I am greatly blessed.

Birthday!

Sunday was my birthday!

It was quite the birthday, too. A friend suggested that we just declare it "Jordan's Birthday Week" (since they'd sent me the card early) and, in practice, it was at least Jordan's Birthday Weekend.

On Friday I got a projector! Much coolness. We watched Stranger Than Fiction and a few episodes each of Karas and Fawlty Towers. On Saturday, a small group of friends went to the Huntington Library and Gardens, and looked at art and plants. It was great! Tessa, Colleen, and Ryan baked me a chocolate cake with fresh raspberries, and it was excellent. Also, I was showered. I wonder how many more birthdays I'll be showered on… I think it'd be pretty funny if I'm 50 and having to defend myself against my friends and family… though it probably won't be around Mudd, of course. On Sunday itself, I went to Mass again, bummed around, watched The Iron Giant, and had a beautiful carrot cake made for me by Bart and Kristin. It was so yummy! And Dinosaur-y!

And the tea! I think I had at least 8 cups of tea over the course of the weekend, all excellent. These included some real Kenyan chai and some other loose-leaf tea that I had had sitting around for a while. What a great birthday!

A song about 25!

"Are you gonna live your life wonderin’ -
standing in the back, looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time
thinkin' how you’ve grown up or how you missed out?

Things are never gonna be the way you want.
Where's it gonna get you, acting serious?
Things are never gonna be quite what you want.
Even at 25, you gotta start somewhere.

I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I want to always feel like part of this was mine.
I want to fall in love tonight.

Are you gonna live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone's gonna ask you what it’s all about.
Stick around, nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone's gonna ask you what it’s all about.
Whatcha gonna have to say for yourself?

I’m on my feet, I’m on the floor, I’m good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine.
I wanna fall in love tonight.
Here tonight.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine -
I wanna fall in love tonight."

- Jimmy Eat World, "Praise Chorus"

a new site!

Hi all,
It's been a while since I've posted, but here's something I've been up to:

Good words!

I created my very own wikipedia-like site on stuff related to God - the Bible, various books, social justice things happening... it has a forum, as well, on which to discuss profound thoughts (yours and others').

You must be a member of the wikidot site to join the wiki, but it's free, and you'll also need the password, which you can ask me for (or just tell me your username on the site and I'll give you permission).

Enjoy!


Also, it looks like we may at least be reaching a decision on where to live for the next year... but we still haven't even submitted the applications. :-p
We're working on it, at least.

God must be up to something good:

See below.

Meh.

"And the questions rise
Expectations fall
In light of it all."

Too much excitement today?

I went out around 1 to tour a house that I might move into this summer, for the next year or so, with Bart, Buck, David, and Ryan. Hehe. It was small-ish but nice; we'll see if it's the kind of thing that could work out.

For dinner I went out with Greg, Charissa, and Lexie. Pie'n'Burger lived up to its name (in reverse order?) as we had burgers, and then pie.

But now I am "home," and melancholy. How do you follow your dreams when you don't know what or where they are? Or when you do know what they are, but know that whether or not they happen depends on factors completely outside your control, and so you can't actually follow them actively?

I am one of the real sojourners here, I think - I'm just passing through, a stranger to my own life.

Some people and I were discussing epitaphs the other day and somebody said they'd like John 11:25-27, which I thought was cool. Somebody else was really nice and thought mine should be Chesterton's quote "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." While I might wish for that to be applicable, I can at least hope that mine may end up Chesterton's "Things that are worth doing are worth doing badly," but I worry that it's most likely to read something like "Jordan: he never quite figured out what he was doing here or how to really live."

I've forgotten how to love, how to be myself, how to just be happy. I'm spontaneous now because I don't care what I do; I make jokes now because I really can't bear to take anything seriously; I find myself doing nothing because I'm too worn and weary to do the things I'd really like to do. And I can't do the things I'd like to do anyhow.

And it's all just slipping by. My life has progressed in what looks like a forward direction only because no other doors have ever been open to me. I'm in a house that was the first spot that opened up. I'm in a job that was the only place that would hire me. I'm alone... for obvious reasons, and I'd rather not be. I haven't ever applied to missions organizations or IV or whatnot because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't take me... and I guess I'm the kind of neighbor people don't want help from - another nerdy white male. There are too many like me for me to stand out; too few for me to feel like I fit in; and we've done enough harm in the world for me to always have something to be guilty about.

Maybe it's because I'm nearing a quarter-century, maybe it's because I've been alone for too long, maybe it's because work has been a pain lately, or maybe it's because God has had to lead me along by the nose for my own good. But I find it harder and harder to be joyful. Something has to change.

Maybe new housing will help. Even with this, though, I am finding it very hard to be hopeful and truly look forward to it... something tells me it will be a hard year ahead, perhaps the hardest yet. God, be with me. Show me something Good when I least expect it; show me the life you have for me, and let that be enough.

I never figured "man of action" could apply to me

Gosh, time has flown by again. In work and leisure, much has been happening.

My boss is out of town giving his presentation this week, so that lets up some pressure from me for the time being.

And as far as the leisure activities go, the busy-ness has been very relaxing. I've gotten to go hiking on the last two weekends, up Mt. Baldy and also at the botanical gardens in Claremont. Also in the mix have been a lot of good tea, good food, and good friends. For example, in the past two weeks, I have gotten to spend time with (in roughly chronological order): Hansford, Jay, Brian, Summer, Shawna, Beth (and her co-workers and housemates), Thomas, Cathy, Bart, Kristin, Tessa, Peter, Kathryn, Ryan, Jimmy and Suzanne and Nate, Mr. and Mrs. Sarah Noyes, Gracie, Melissa, Nate L., Casey, Charissa, Lexie, David, Andrew, and last but not definitely not least, Greg. Plus, I may see Mina and Martha this week. :-)

So yeah. Whew! And yay! On top of all that, I've ended up watching the first couple episodes of Gilmore Girls (I kinda like Sookie better than the leads, is that odd?), and to cancel that out, Band of Brothers, and for just weirdness' sake, this random anime series about boxing. Also, I saw Pirates 3… and I would refer you all to the "Ask a Ninja" review, which I think sums it up nicely. On Friday we watched The Shawshank Redemption, which singlehandedly more than made up for Pirates 3 and Spiderman 3 – it turns out movies can be worthwhile, after all. But now I have to find a new reason to look at Ryan funny (before, it was because he hadn't seen Shawshank, but now, that has been remedied).

Anyhow, I blew up a reactor at work today. It was more of a problem of physics (or maybe engineering?) than chemistry - pressurized water built up in the cooling jacket - but when you're not expecting it, well… I guess you could say this week started with a bang. Thankfully no real harm was done. But still. It was definitely today's allotment of excitement and humility. Also, it reminded me – who wants to have a water-fight this summer sometime?

To close, a not-so-random question:
What do you do, when even in your dreams, people find you "repugnant"?

I don't have dreams about being embarrassed or being chased – my worst ones are true-to-life. How is anybody supposed to be a whole person when we are constantly, inside and out, being torn down? The world is so twisted, what hope do we ugly, lame, parched and gnarled folks have for happiness? God, break me completely, that I might live only in your strength and care for nothing but your presence; break my chains, that my spirit may live carefree in hope in you. And let me dream of truth and goodness, not lies or damned muck.

On the plus side, I have had some very encouraging conversations lately, too, thank God." But I will yet praise him for both good and bad conversations, both good tea and broken reactors, and both good and bad dreams – God knows what I need, and what my heart desires, and how to get me to have him ever before me in both categories.

Back!

Okay, fine, you've found me out, I've really been back from London for about a week.

But what a week!

Last weekend, Claremont folks had their graduation, and a hearty congrats goes out to Renee, Martha, Josiah, Heather, Bart, Buck, and Mina (in alphabetical order, of course)!

I jumped headlong into work again on Monday, as well. Literally, my boss handed me the memo first thing on Monday morning, and I have had very full days each day this week trying to get it all done. I guess that's what happens when you go on vacation for a week and a half and your boss has time to just think and reflect on what to work on next. :-)

Photos! From my trip, for those of you who may not have seen them yet - they're up on Facebook, but if you follow these links, you should be able to see the photos even if you hate facebook with a completely irrational passion:

London, Part 1. Whee!
London, Part 2. The adventure continues!
London, Part 3. The exciting conclusion!

Several places wouldn't let me take photos (boo!), but I didn't mind, because they were very right to do so. These included inside Westminster Abbey (So there are no photos of me with Shakespeare, Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, GMH, Disraeli, or Queen Elizabeth I, sorry) and also the Holocaust exhibit inside the Imperial War Museum. There really aren't words for that.

But I'll go into more detail about the trip later, or if you ask me in person!
I am a little tired, and I hurt my foot tonight while trying to run with Jay. :-( I hope I am better in time for a hike up Mt. Baldy this Saturday. We shall see.

Peace to you all from the God who gives it.