on life, and sketchiness.

So here's the deal. I love God. And Jesus.

And I strive to be last.

As a result, I weird people out. Jesus says this is a normal reaction; I tend to agree.

I am the odd one out. I am the sketchy one; I have no circle of friends, no girlfriend, no easy quick answer for why I'm here or where I'm going. I don't belong here.

Alone in LA, I am not busy. I honestly do have time for you; very rarely is anybody interrupting me. After many long years that were not like this, I am happy to be at such a place. If you want to talk, or need a ride, or anything, really - I will do my best.

I like life. I like sunrises and sunsets; clouds, trees, and birds. God's given me bouquets the size of fields, paintings the size of the sky, and music from oceans and crickets and everything in-between. I often get the feeling that something happens for the sole reason that I would see it and praise God and just stand in awe. I try to make sure as many people as possible get chances to do the same; it's a standing offer for anyone who'd like to just sit or walk or run with me and just take it all in.

I like people. This is probably the weirdest thing about me. People who have mocked me, deserted me, been callous towards me - I can actually be happy for them when good things come their way. I can hold a grudge with the best of them, don't get me wrong - but praise God that he's helped me avoid keeping any good record of wrongs. And how much more so for my friends - I am fiercely loyal. You probably know this already.

God has led me down an odd path. I find myself an unplanned and unfunded missionary; a broken and frail bastion of strength; a lazy and undisciplined persevere-r; a sarcastic and cynical optimist; and a lonely and independent member of the Body. He's shown me that you don't have to travel overseas to be completely out of your culture and comfort zone. And he's shown me that for those he loves, everything can still sometimes fall apart. Martyrs and saints were only doing what didn't come naturally... sometimes the greatest blessing God gives you involves taking away everything else he's given you up to this point.

So what can I say? I'm me. No, I don't have it all together; sometimes I need to just spend an afternoon reading Calvin and Hobbes, or Calvin, and Hobbes. No, I don't keep up appearances; I may feel kinda bad about heading to church in jeans and a t-shirt, but I know God sees hearts. Nope, I don't stay emotionally unattached, that's no way to live. As a good friend and I were talking about just last night, God did not say anything anywhere about 'helping those who help themselves' - rather, he came for the sick, not the well. So yep, I am dorky/sketchy/messy/awkward/broken, and I heartily recommend it. Praise God for anything that keeps you leaning on His love and that helps you see it more clearly.

Yay for 2007!

So it's a new year. Last year, I summed things up with a dichotomy of two songs: this year I'll do the same – in my worse moments I feel exactly in resonance with "Perfect Situation" by Weezer, but mostly I feel like "Lead of Love" by Caedmon's Call (lyrics to both follow).

A lot has happened since I last posted, but now I find myself back in Pasadena, still workin' hard and trying to find things to do with my evenings/weekends. I had a good talk with Rob last night, and it was a good reminder that our first goal is just to know Christ so we can show him to others, wherever we are – discerning if he wants us to change our circumstances to do so is a secondary thing.

I was home for Christmas, which was really nice and relaxing. There was much good food, WAY too much chocolate, and I was beginning to feel like a real full-fledged adult part of the family, which is kinda new.

Then, I went to Hawaii! The main purpose was to see Michy and Brian wed, but I had a couple days on either side of that happy event in which to see the various parts of Oahu. I'd never been, before. It was also very relaxing, when the sea was being nice, and I got to snorkel and hike and see lots of old friends who had also traveled out there for the wedding. Shout outs to Lizard, Daniel, River, Cathy, and One, whom I was happy to see especially since they've been more than a thousand miles away from me for way more than a year. One of the highlights of the wedding (besides the fact that Michy and Brian are married!) was getting to be a part of a quartet toasting the groom - we sang "Brian" (to the tune of "My Girl") (at One's request here reprinted):

"He's got Linux, installed on his PC,
and when I need a cord, he's got six there for me.
I guess you'd say his pockets are full today!
Brian, Brian, Brian, talkin' bout Brian... Brian!

He's got so much memory, the geeks envy him
And Michelle thinks he's pretty, though his hair got a trim
I guess he'd say, "Green's a great shirt for today!"
Brian, Brian, Brian, talkin' bout Brian... Brian!

He likes root beer, and double espressos
And he'll stick with Michelle, through the highs and the lows
I guess she'd say, "What can make me feel this way?"
Brian, Brian, Brian, talkin' bout Brian... Brian!"

The quartet was Greg, Jon, James and myself. It was a lot of fun.

Obligatory photos of Hawaii:
Fig. 1: The view from the rim of Diamond Head Crater - that's Honolulu out there with all the tall buildings. It's a very vertical city.

Fig. 2: It rained a bit while we were there, but the wedding itself was nice and clear, and it just meant there were lots of rainbows around.

Fig. 3: This is Manoa Falls, which Jon, Cathy, Sharon, Ed and I hiked to... in the rain. We got soaked, but it was tons of fun. This close, it was hard to tell whether the drops falling on us were from the rain, or the waterfall. :-)

So I gotta ask if anybody else out there has seen District B13 - it's a french action film... with a soundtrack that includes angry french rap, and the sport parkour... it's a great movie. :-)

Lastly... my two songs from 2006:

First, Weezer - such an impassioned song...

"What's the deal, with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation, I let love down the drain.
There's the pitch, slow and straight,
All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero... but I'm a zero.

Hungry nights, once again, now it's getting unbelievable
Because I could not have it better, but I just can't get no play
from the girls all around, as they search the night for someone to hold on to.
I just pass through.
Singin' Oh ohhh, oh ohhh, oh ohhh, oooohhhh

Get your hands off the girl, can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has and so she starts to wander...
Can you blame her?
Singin' Oh ohhh, oh ohhh, oh ohhh, oooohhhh

Tell me there's a logic out there
Leading me to better prepare
For the day when something really special might come
Tell me there's some hope for me
I don't want to be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.
Woooaaaaa!
Singin' Oh ohhh, oh ohhh, oh ohhh, oooohhhh" - "Perfect Situation" - Weezer


And in my better moments, Caedmon's Call:

"Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight.
Looking back it is clear to me
That man is more than the sum of his genes
And how You make good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery.

Looking back you know you had to bring me through
All that I was
So afraid of
Though I questioned the sky
Now I see why
I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back, I see the lead of love.

Looking back I can finally see
My failures bring humility -
Brings me to my knees
Helps me see my need for thee.
Looking back you know you had to bring me through
All that I was, so afraid of,
Though I questioned the sky
Now I see why
I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back, I see the lead of love." - "Lead of Love" - Caedmon's Call


Here's to 2007 - may it be a better year than 2006 in all regards, for all of us! :-)