"And the questions rise
Expectations fall
In light of it all."
Too much excitement today?
I went out around 1 to tour a house that I might move into this summer, for the next year or so, with Bart, Buck, David, and Ryan. Hehe. It was small-ish but nice; we'll see if it's the kind of thing that could work out.
For dinner I went out with Greg, Charissa, and Lexie. Pie'n'Burger lived up to its name (in reverse order?) as we had burgers, and then pie.
But now I am "home," and melancholy. How do you follow your dreams when you don't know what or where they are? Or when you do know what they are, but know that whether or not they happen depends on factors completely outside your control, and so you can't actually follow them actively?
I am one of the real sojourners here, I think - I'm just passing through, a stranger to my own life.
Some people and I were discussing epitaphs the other day and somebody said they'd like John 11:25-27, which I thought was cool. Somebody else was really nice and thought mine should be Chesterton's quote "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." While I might wish for that to be applicable, I can at least hope that mine may end up Chesterton's "Things that are worth doing are worth doing badly," but I worry that it's most likely to read something like "Jordan: he never quite figured out what he was doing here or how to really live."
I've forgotten how to love, how to be myself, how to just be happy. I'm spontaneous now because I don't care what I do; I make jokes now because I really can't bear to take anything seriously; I find myself doing nothing because I'm too worn and weary to do the things I'd really like to do. And I can't do the things I'd like to do anyhow.
And it's all just slipping by. My life has progressed in what looks like a forward direction only because no other doors have ever been open to me. I'm in a house that was the first spot that opened up. I'm in a job that was the only place that would hire me. I'm alone... for obvious reasons, and I'd rather not be. I haven't ever applied to missions organizations or IV or whatnot because I'm pretty sure they wouldn't take me... and I guess I'm the kind of neighbor people don't want help from - another nerdy white male. There are too many like me for me to stand out; too few for me to feel like I fit in; and we've done enough harm in the world for me to always have something to be guilty about.
Maybe it's because I'm nearing a quarter-century, maybe it's because I've been alone for too long, maybe it's because work has been a pain lately, or maybe it's because God has had to lead me along by the nose for my own good. But I find it harder and harder to be joyful. Something has to change.
Maybe new housing will help. Even with this, though, I am finding it very hard to be hopeful and truly look forward to it... something tells me it will be a hard year ahead, perhaps the hardest yet. God, be with me. Show me something Good when I least expect it; show me the life you have for me, and let that be enough.
